I am sorry that I am THE wrong person.

August 11, 2010

Again. Cannot sleep. Hoping that, after this, manage to sleep-lah. Cannot do anything. I tak bangun sahur nanti sebab I makan sekejap lagi. Tahun ni tak sempat nak merasa first day puasa bersama-sama para muslimin dan muslimat yang lain. Ewah ayat pun dah mula nak islamik.

Anyway. About SMS yang saya kata saya terima s e m a l a m. I was asking for h i s sister's condition, hari tu suspek kena demam denggi. Niat saya baik saja, tapi..

Me : Salam. Apa khabar adik?
S : Sihat
Me : Good to hear.
S : I thought that you have forgotten me...
Me : Nope.
S : Yeah but you just gone like that..
Me : I do still remember.
S : Hmm Fina sihat?
Me : Sihat. And you too. Hilang macam tu je.
S : Hmm.. Taknak mengganggu Fina.. :(
Me : I just wanna be your friend. Cannot take more than that from you cuz you deserve someone better..
S : Haha safe answer.. K ar take care.
Me : Stop being skeptical lah.
S : What do you mean by skeptical?
Me : Everything I do or say, you mesti cakap safe answer la apa la.
S : Tak ada ape lah. I pun dah tak kisah dah. Itu hak Fina. Lagipun buat apa paksa. Semua keputusan Fina. Siapa boleh fikir apa yang Fina fikir kan. Fina je tahu.
Me : When your adik recover?
S : Dah lama. Tak payah risau, I have someone very special in my life now. That person really appreciate me. And I love her a lot. And thanks for teaching me some good lesson.
Me : Good to hear that.
S : Bye.

My temper senang naik sebenarnya. Bila dia cakap saya buat safe answer, it sounds really doubtful and yeah in other word, skeptical. Rasa macam terhina. Sedangkan 'safe answer' itu untuk dia dan dia sahaja. Untuk tidak memburukkan lagi keadaan. Untuk persahabatan yang telah terjalin lama. Untuk segala kebaikan yang pernah dia beri, untuk segala waktu-waktu sukar aku yang hanya dia saja yang benar-benar ada untuk menenangkan. And yes, apa yang dia mahu fikir, itu pilihan dia. Siapa boleh fikir apa yang dia fikir. Dia saja yang tahu.

Paused.
Ah. Me and my emotion *sigh*
Temper turun balik.

Dia sendiri dah tahu, I cannot love him. Kalau saya boleh control perasaan ini, saya akan biar hati saya jatuh pada dia. Tapi saya tak mampu.
I just wanna be your friend. Cannot take more than that from you cuz you deserve someone better..
What's the risky answer then, bila inilah jawapan jujur yang saya boleh bagi? If you think you know me better than me myself, then you'll certainly know ways to make me fall in love with you.

You deserve someone better. See now? You found her. I am happy for you. Feeling relieved for you. Just, don't misunderstand me.

I'm sorry about the miserable feeling I brought into your life. I am sorry I am THE wrong person. I'm sorry you've done almost everything to catch my attention. I'm sorry it doesn't worth it. I'm sorry you were the only person I have back then when I was in the edge of breaking down, months ago. I'm sorry our friendship had come to the end.

P.s Don't ask me to chill, I mind you.
P.s.s Entri 1 Ramadhan yang tak macam orang lain. HAPPY FASTING.

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3 comments

  1. fara11 August, 2010 09:09

    actually kan fina...
    even if u try hard nak trime die but still tak boleh.
    becoz u know he can make u happy but the heart is just not there kan.
    meaning he is just not meant for u.

    farah pena lalui the same thing.
    and kitorang pena kapel & break BANYAK kali.
    then now he is already happily married.

    so u actually did the right thing.
    bia la apa dia nak cakap pun fina.
    at least dia patut bsyukur yang fina jujur and not just giving him hope kan.

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  2. tiefazatie11 August, 2010 13:42

    erm..tenang sis..kadang2 ble kte jumpe org yg baek..tp die tercipta bkn utk kte kan..kte kn leh rasa if he meant for us..bese la bh...kdg2 mg dorg nda blh terima bh..isk2..nda tau napa nie..ifa pun penah jg begini nie..ssh eh..ble kte ckp we juz a friend ok..nda jg die mo phm kn..nda pa la..nt2 sedar la tue..=)

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  3. Fina Sophie11 August, 2010 21:55

    fara,
    thanks fara. sekarang saya dah betul2 pasti apa yang saya buat ni memang bnda betul. u know? dia selalu ckp dulu, that i should try cuz whatever it is, he'll wait for me. he'll do everything. dia almost nak dtg sbh but i stopped him.. and i stop contacting him..

    mgkin dia berdendam. but mcm yang fara ckp, at least i am being honest, kan..?

    despite it all, i am really glad & relieved that he found the one :)

    tiefazatie,
    ifa, sy rasa dia sudah sedar hakikat tu ^^ so thats why dia dah bagi ruang dekat org lain utk isi hati dia. he's a very good person, it's just, sometimes, we can be blinded by LOVE.

    :)

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