My blog header, my profile pictures.. Need to change. Profile picture sebelah ni dari, 2 years ago I think. Haha. Lamanya nda tukar langsung. I still remember I have a blog. Selalu nak update tapi nantilah nantilah sampai berbulan-bulan hampir makan tahun agaknya jika hari ni tidak spontan terbukak blog. Haha. Ni pun sekejap saja, sebab sekejap lagi kena bersiap got dinner date with the family tonight. At our usual place :)

I am now busy with KTrips and Tari Kirana. Latihan tiap malam, berhuha tiap malam. Layan whatsapp tiap hari - 24/7 everyday. Somehow the emptiness terisi juga sedikit. Balik pada blog yang satu ini, bagai kembali pada seorang sahabat lama. Terasa nak cerita semua sepanjang beberapa bulan ini. Terasa mahu menangis. Ketawa. Menjerit. Dan bercerita tentang segala suka dan duka. Yang lucu, yang meruntun hati. Masam dan manis. Wahai sahabat lama, adakah kau sedang mendengar?

I think I am doing pretty good now. My daily life so occupied. No more termenung (okey maybe sometimes), no more weeping for no reason. Ada pun, kerana perasaan lega. Bercampur sedikit dengan kesedihan, tapi lega itu yang paling banyak. My anxiety sudah jarang datang. But trauma is still there. Trauma payah sikit hilang, but as one of my friend cakap,..

"..this too shall pass."

I remember those day. Those days has passed. And yes. This too, the saki baki sedu sedan and the trauma, shall pass. One day, I'll look back taking one last look, move on and never look back ever again.

I am just a normal human being. Sometimes I'll find somebody to blame. I will try to blame. Myself atau orang lain. So, entah. I am no malaikat, but I'll eventually learn to forgive I guess.

Bye for now.

Berjuta kali aku dianiaya. Bertahun bersabar. How is it faking a smile dan sibuk berusaha melindungi diri sendiri. I am surviving. I am indeed FIGHTING to survive. And fighting to not judge myself by what others did to me. I have to keep telling myself, there is no excuse and it was not my fault because it's their choice not mine.


Bila mahu mula memikirkan akan kepentingan dan kebajikan diri sendiri dan ingin bertegas pada diri dan emosi sendiri, orang kata 'BERSABARLAH!'. Kata-kata minda (yang aku sangkakan keputusan bijak) dimatikan dengan perkataan bodoh yang boleh mengelirukan keputusan, namun berhikmah - SABAR. Sabar sampai bila agaknya, aku persoalkan. Jawapan tetap sama - SABAR. Kemudian, bila berjaya memujuk hati ini untuk bersabar, orang kata dengan lantang - 'SAMPAI BILA! '. 

Nampak permainan di situ?
Either I do not understand the world, or the world itself confused me.

Belum jadi scar. Masih berupa wounds. I'm working on my magic.

*Sigh*

Alhamdulillah these past few days kerja-kerja banyak setel (berangan pun banyak juga). But more task coming soon. Moga semuanya dipermudahkan.

Another day I have to endure. As if semua yang saya lalui selama ini belum cukup menguji kesabaran. I remember very clearly when it all started. I just got back from a long tired day. I rushed since early morning to send things my mother asked me to buy, hantar kerana sudah kelewatan 2 hari. Balas customers yang dah balik-balik whatsapp dan email dan siapkan receipt and documents (been busy for 4 days so tiada masa untuk proper reply). Dengan line internet tidak bagus, and I need to reply them as soon as possible so I took some time at home to settle things. And then rush ke pejabat pos hantar barang customer. Beli barang dapur, beli untuk dinner malam itu. All day I haven't eaten, all day I have been wanting to reach home faster. 

And I did reach home. Finally.

Fast forward a little bit, I remember everyone came, panicking and tensed up with low and high volume mixing up, I couldn't think, I do not say any single word except crying all my heart out. Sometimes I feel like laughing ; out of anger. For I know the one and only reason of why all this happened. I feel betrayed. What will happen if I tell them the truth? What will happen if all the proof I've been collecting since long ago spreads in front of them? Everybody might see my stubbornness, but nobody notice what actually scares me. Nobody knows me.

And this leads to a little conversation in whatsapp dengan jiran-jiran. Totally out of topic, but there is always something between the line..

"Saya nak cakap something tapi takut ganggu.." Actually means, help me.

"Cakap la Fina.."

"Nape Fina?"

I typed something - delete -. Typed something else - delete -. Paused. Think about it all over again. Because pity is always the last thing I need. I do not need it anymore. I am strong and and and.. And typed :

"Korang apa khabar. Tu saja. Hehe."

What to do. Feels so hard for me to start. I can't start, else I'll be crying like a little girl. Perhaps exhaustion over those never ending everything.

This post originally drafted with so many secrets and swear but eventually I deleted most of them. Only few paragraphs left. Just take this as a temporary hallucination over nothing. HEH. This is supposed to be published few days before, but you know, what the hell..

Finally after more than a week of, entah, kerja outstation? Now I'm back to my dearie laptop. Yang sentiasa buat I happy sebab menyenangkan kerja, tahan lasak walaupun gedabak. Okey terimalah hakikat skrin besar lagi feel berbanding skrin kecil walaupun itu bermakna hari-hari terutama zaman kampus dulu kena angkat extra weight 2.5KG di bahu. Yang maskulin dan gagah perkasa kerana dari 16 June 2009 (tarikh beli sangat ingat sebab ada rekod dalam blog entri bertarikh 17 June 2009) hingga sekarang at least masih berfungsi and serve it's purpose dan makin lama makin berguna. Maklumlah I ni banyak idea pelik-pelik HAHA. Pendek kata I sayang laptop ini. Ayat bodek takut laptop collapsed tiba-tiba tak bagi warning sebab hakikatnya sayang I pada folder episod-episod Runningman hampir menyamai sayang I pada laptop nih AHAHAHAHAHA err okey not funny.

Am not in the mood of being funny anyway.

Scratch that.

I am never funnehh.

You see..

Laptop collapse tiba-tiba. Pernah hadap? Salah satu contoh bahawa sebenarnya banyak sangat perkara tak pasti dalam hidup ni. Sometimes (most of the time to be honest), I do feel lost. Sudden stop, not knowing what to do and where I'm heading. Kaki yang melangkah rasa kosong, destination seems blurry, but I just walk anyway. And any way. Hard to admit but, I think I'm just SURVIVING a life, not living it. At least for now. Until I find myself and what I truly want.

I choose to keep this just for myself. I told one or two friends, but I stopped now. Sometimes, just sometimes, we were just too naive to think that ...to think that life's going to treat you if not that good at least, you believe evil antagonist just exist in movies. I'd never dreaming (who would?) of having the taste of these kind of people who just love to see your downfall. Who loves to see you frozen, scared to death. Curves on your bed crying like your whole family's bombed dead right before your eyes. Oh I had the taste of that, AND MORE. Never delicious. Almost vicious.

Life is a mixtures of colors. And I'll be just fine. :)

I love this illustration of Katniss.

...if you read or at least watch the sequels of The Hunger Games.

Good news is, saya hilang 3KGs dalam 1 bulan (starting minggu kedua bulan lepas). Mungkin boleh hilang lagi banyak if saya boleh get over midnight snacking heh. Sebab utama adalah kerana rasa mual sikit makan nasi. Samada tekak memang tak boleh telan atau ia cuma tindak balas psikologi kerana saya memang nak sangat diettttt. Sekarang opt makan lauk pauk, mee or meehoon. Hampir kepada atkins diet tapi bukan. Because I still consume carbohydrates and gula tanpa catuan. Kalori pun sama. Cuma I makan sehari sekali dan makan sikit-sikit. That's it. Tiadalah perubahan mendadak sangat but I would like this to last for at least another 10 months. Oh tummy, please do cooperate. Plan is, berat kurang at least 1.5KGs sebulan. It's certainly a can-do. If yang heavy sikit, at least -5KGs for every month so by April at least badan dah bertambah ringan berbanding sekarang. I think I should give myself (my body, maybe?) the chance to choose. -1.5KGs x 10 for 10 months, or -5KGs x 3 for 3 months. Kita tengok bulan ni as percubaan, sebab so far, setakat pertengahan bulan ni saya dah turun another 2KGs.

I wanna lose 15 more. And I promise to myself if I ever hit the target weight, compulsory untuk bagi maintain berat or better shape sebab nak tambah tinggi memang tak boleh dah! It's going to be my lifetime promise. To never stray again. Okey, Nana, lets do this. Lets do this-ish! New you in as fast as 4 months, bermula dari sekecil-kecil langkah. You've unofficially started anyway, so let's focus!

Hm. Simple isn't it? If we feel lost, then just focus on another things. That should do the trick.. HAHAH. Sick. Bye.

     

All my recent selfie pictures (ya macamlah ambil banyak sangat, berapa keping saja pun tu pun most of them end up deleted kahkah) are like this one. Grumpy and blank.

If not silly faces.

Baru-baru ni ada reunion dengan kawan-kawan back in school. Ya I purposely tidak sebut siapa dan dari sekolah yang mana sebab setakat itu saja yang saya mahu share. The thing is, what one of them told me..

During my younger days, I was kind of a happy girl. One thing for sure I smile a lot! Di sekolah, teachers and fellow classmates or even kelas sebelah would admit that. I'm not a person with lots of words but surely I smile a lot, like A LOT. Sometimes, I would rather smile instead of answering questions even from the teachers lol agak poyo di situ (time tidak dapat jawap soalan so just smile kononnya mintak kesian. not a very good student back then, there's one time where I was the only girl punished berdiri atas meja among all the boys sebab tidak dapat jawab soalan cepu emas dari cikgu). Instead of firing people back whenever I pissed off. Instead of a 'hi', 'bye', or 'thank you'. Instead of replying to my friends' wits. Instead of crying.. Tidak pernah terfikir I will standing on the ground today feeling miserable and of all things, I forgot how exactly to smile (by heart). Now I smile just because I feel amused or at least to show respect, I laugh because someone makes jokes or when I throw jokes (which people hardly laugh for lol). And once it ends, nothing is too funny the way it did before. Exactly when no one is looking, I'm a walking corpse. I don't even laugh at falling leaves anymore. *ayat runningman*

You know Korean Drama entitled 49 Days, salah satu watak tu (perempuan) bangun tidur menjalani kehidupan macam tiada perasaan. Tinggal sorang-sorang, senyum tidak, bercakap pun tidak. Berjalan lembik. Well at least she's pretty *roll eyes to myself* And you know what? Some people get annoyed by the way I walk now. lol. I feel like I don't wanna walk anymore lol lol lol. I don't wanna go out see people who might hate the way I walk lolllll.

That friend I mentioned earlier told me I'm not like Fina she used to know. Mula-mula dia cakap dia ingat saya cuma penat but later on she found out I was just being normal. And finally understand that the happy go lucky Fina is gone now. Honestly I was taken aback. Because I'd never realized it. It never actually crossed my mind walaupon sebelum ni pun ada yang tegur but seriously I'd never really have a thought of it because I always end up forgetting. Ya I know that my everyday normal look is being tired, but I thought I covered it enough that day. I dolled up with my best casual wears. I put on make ups. And I thought I've done enough to at least look good. Heh. You see? Friends are always the best. They can tell!

Berbeza dengan my friends. They're still the same. Or much more happier. Happy for them, but I feel depressed of myself. Urgh. Cakap tentang ni buat hati rasa makin berat. Not feeling any better. Shouldn't have started, but again, I have to write at least... Walaupun ini adalah sangat burdensome bagi anda. Oh, wait. APA KATA, maybe you should stop reading my blog and come to read my post maybe 5 tahun akan datang lagi where I might be happier than today. Buat masa sekarang, adalah tidak berbaloi membaca blog saya yang you-know-what ini. Kahkah.

Sekian entri burdensome dari saya yang burdensome ini.

I'd never believe this before.

And I have this hell kind of attitude where I won't accept things I do not understand.

But now I understand it clearly. :)

Helo here again. Siapa dah tengok latest Runningman ep.218? Kalau belum tengok cepat sebab best. Last 3-4 episode of Runningman for me adalah menyeronokkan. Lagipun my bias, Kwang Soo menang kali ni (ops spoiler). My other bias is Gary and Jihyo dan eh I like all the members lah but I think I prefer Kwang Soo's winning in individual race especially. Haha!

Life sekarang macam roller coaster. As much as I loath roller coaster ride, I also dislike (dislike k bukan hate) the momentum of my current life. There's something I wish I could just be honest and tell everything here, but haha of course I can't. Too public, too many eyes.. But those who are really close to me know why - or at least, understand why. Because now I stopped elaborate too much about my feeling.

Well. On Facebook, or Instagram, or blog, or any social media, you only see one's highlight reel, while they live the entire scene. No one knows what's behind those big grins.

Anyhow!

Beberapa minggu lepas gempar tentang kes bunuh seorang guru di Kundasang dan suspek utama semuanya berasal dari kejiranan kami di Kundasang. The point is, mereka ini samada terdesak untuk merompak untuk dapatkan dadah ataupun sememangnya waktu itu sedang berada di bawah pengaruh dadah. Arwah mungkin dibunuh sebab arwah kenal suspek dan mungkin juga melawan, considering arwah stabbed few times on the face. Al-Fatihah untuk arwah.. Waktu tu kami baru beberapa hari di Indonesia dan on the day we arrived Kuala Lumpur dan belum sempat pulang Kundasang (kami pulang 3 days after di KL), polis dah jumpa suspek.

Sure it scare people around Ranau and Kundasang for those few days, up til now. No place is too safe nowadays. Please note, kes bunuh bukan kes yang biasa di Ranau dan Kundasang.

Beberapa kali terserempak dengan kereta polis di sini dan berlegar area Pekan Kundasang juga. Dan semua terjawab bila dapat tahu dari ibu mentua yang polis Ranau sekarang sedang dalam operasi besar-besaran menangkap penagih yang banyak spreads di Kundasang dan siapa-siapa yang berkaitan dengan dadah untuk membantu siasatan. And to my surprise, the newly wed (the groom is husband's friend) I jadi jurukamera that day have been arrested, suami isteri positive dadah. Padahal majlis nikah diorang baru dua minggu lebih lepas. Still remember all the families' faces,  I even spotted one of the bridesmaids look exactly like Fasha Sanda. I guess suspek utama kes bunuh yang tertangkap hari tu jadi kunci, polis siasat habis-habisan punca dari akar umbi dan paksa suspek mention any name, as much as possible. That's why, banyak kena tangkap sekarang, as per mother in law.

Seriously hearing about more and more about dadah and the consequences terus rasa goosebumps. Pesanan pada adik-adik di luar sana. Mahupun yang tua pun ada juga mudah terpengaruh. Jadilah orang yang berguna. Jika bukan pada orang lain pun, sekurang-kurangnya berguna pada diri sendiri. kalau tidak menyenangkan orang pun, sekurang-kurangnya tidak menyusahkan dan terlibat dengan benda-benda macam ni.

Apapun, today and days before might be a history. As I said before, I want to live, and I choose to live a life worth writing for. Even if it's dull. Even if it's just about walking down a street. It's start from deep within. A happy soul. I want to write with a full heart, again. And to live my life to the fullest, again. Getting rid this lifeless eyes and fragile scared heart.

Okey gotta go. *wink*

Kebetulan since last night I susun-susun entri caca merba I sejak 2006 into categories (bayangkan after years!) dan design link bergambar untuk bagi menarik dan kemas sikit. I love the outcome. Pastu tadi pula, saya cuba bersihkan drafts. Ada hampir 50 post semuanya dan kebanyakkannya adalah entri yang pernah dipublish tapi saya turn into draft long ago. Dalam fikiran saya, okeylah must be the content are way too inappropriate or sangat-sangat tak releven atau something yang I malu nak bagi orang baca. Hehe. Bila cek.. 

Hm. I lost words.

Because of the drafts, I took almost an hour of my time for self reflecting. Thinking what I did in the past, that I have to pay for it today. This might be one of the reason. And more.

To that someone, I know you're happily married now. I'm happy for you. Am not expecting any in return, I just wanna say sorry for my stupidity. I was so stupid I know. I still remember those words - the last time we actually talked. And that was our last time. And if I could turn back the time... I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't leave.

As for me, I'm ... doing good. This year only I traveled by plane 10 times already haha.. I covered Singapore, Thailand and Indonesia and coming back to Thailand. I've seen and learned many things by heart, I'm grateful of being able to do that. And soon I'm gonna start my solo trip - covering parts in Malaysia I've never been before. Haven't had any plan yet although I've bought the tickets. I wish to fly even far, but for now, yang dekat-dekat saja dulu. Eventho I've been to those 3 countries but I know I haven't truly experience them though. For now jejak kaki saja dulu, next time datang balik and spend more time there. Traveling. Honestly this's my new obsession because that's the only time I could find myself. The only time I'm genuinely happy.

Apapun, I'm coming home tomorrow! Yeay! Harap-harap semua seperti yang dirancang..

Okey need to go. Nak cari-cari lagi benda boleh di edit pada blog ni selagi ada masa free. Bukan selalu ada masa untuk edit-edit ni ;)

Betul tak? ;)

Sedihnya ya Allah.. Oh Tuhan berikanlah akuuu kekuatan menempuhi dugaanmuuu.. Eceh sempat nyanyi pulak. Am now at library Ranau sorang-sorang siapa nak temankan meh tapi saya dah pulang lah ahaha.

Wow rindunya menulis di blog. Tidak sangka I am still going strong here walaupun dah jarang-jarang, but I think I will never stop. Unless I stop breathing la. Will I end my story being happy? Or forever being saddy. Pantun tak jaddy.

Saya insan yang sangat banyak kekurangan. Bila diri ini sudah tidak mampu diterima.. Apakan daya. Tak ada guna nak berkabung untuk apa yang sudah terjadi. Saya anggap ini cerita saya dari Allah.Ini bahagian yang Allah bagi untuk aku. Bukan bermaksud selama ini tidak cukup kuat, tapi lepas ni apa-apa juga yang terlepas dan tersiapkan untuk aku, aku redhakan dan gagahkan.

Crying too much is not cool.

Sometimes I will have some weird nights where everything (but not literally everything) come back as a flashback. Dan bila benda-benda macam ni jadi, tidak sedar cari blog. Mula menaip balik. Hence, this entry.




Not that I care much (maybe for some of it), but it brought me to where I am now and what I have now. I can't help but to look back for the stupid craps many years ago behind the real 'beauty' of my current life. At one second I am here, the other second my mind wandered randomly - back to the memories from 10 years ago to 2 days ago. Back and forth and sometimes coming up from in between. Mostly about things I shouldn't remember. Those things I wish to erase for the rest of my life. But it can never be. Because it's part of the history. Ignore sajalah. Nak padam macamana. Lupa pun tetap ada cache and cookies with no 'clear' button. Isk T____T

Totally inappropriate but hey I can choose what I want to write. :)

I have mentally highlighted several things that have changed and realize what I know now. I am so grateful for that to happen. Kadang-kadang ada yang pernah ada dalam life kita walaupun kita rasa kita perlu tapi hakikatnya tidak. Kadang-kadang ada perkara yang buruk dalam life kita tapi kerana perkara buruk itulah yang membawa pada bahagia kita hari ini. Kadang-kadang ada perkara yang pada mulanya kita rasa bukan yang terbaik tapi lama-kelamaan kita sedar sebenarnya takdir yang tertulis itulah sebenarnya yang terbaik untuk kita. Experiencing all these for the past years - all at once - trust me, they are not pretty. It's full of thorns - the stress come from every corner I barely can breath out of it. I might come up wiser, but it's just because some of my perspectives have changed. I'm still the same girl with childish sides ; yet with some different views about life. There's a few things I learnt and if I must tell you one of it, it might be 'learning to let go things that is not meant to be' thing. It might seem simple, but letting go won't be that easy until you experience it yourself. Learn to let go and look what is right in front of you kind of thing. You wouldn't want to miss them because at the end of the day, they say you will realize that your past is just a story kind of thing. Easy to say, well I have those years I wouldn't want to believe them TOO. Because it hurts. Because living in what you want to believe is easier but once you realize things aren't the way you want, you're the one who's hurting the most. I've been there. I - once living in denial. I know I hurt myself more and more as I freely let it. It merged to an extent that the scar is no longer a scar. Tapi jadi luka balik. Luka yang makin lama makin dalam dan besar and to this very point, the wounds feel totally numb. It's there but I do not feel anything different compared to my normal self. Hati dan luka jadi sebati. Jadi satu. For godsake I live with them for a damn 9 years. I might as well die with it.

Loving someone like me could be challenging. I'm as hopeless as a dying soul. My head is made of stone. My heart is frozen cold. People might have mental breakdown several times gathering all the patience they could get just to love me just the way I am. You might have a huge mental breakdown reading my blogposts as well, biyane, I prefer no one reading my crappy thinking btw. Told you I am ughhhhhh XD

Hang on there. This ain't easy, dealing with a broken heart you didn't break is not easy. Tettttt.. Roger.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” — 'The Four Loves' by C. S. Lewis