Amaran. Entri panjang. Rojak perkataan dari bahasa Inggeris dan bahasa Malaysia yang berleluasa (macam biasa).

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Terjerat dalam hubungan tak bernama. He still calls me Sayang. Still. And I am not sure why I kinda ..let him.  Dalam seminggu, adalah dalam dua tiga kali mesej. I still believe that I should let him go, just let him be, with his own world. Everybody got their own life by the way. Getting busier.

Nights ago, he told me a story, like this :

A : Ada tengok dekat FB tak? Video kartun tentang hubungan? Yang karakter kartun couple, tapi yang lelaki busy dengan kerja dia, jarang hirau yang girlfriend dia. Kemudian, GF dia kenal lelaki lain dan rapat dengan lelaki tu sampai tipu teman lelaki dia. Lepas tu GF dia accident dan mata dia buta. Lelaki yang baru dia kenal tu lari dan tinggalkan perempuan tu seorang-seorang. BF dia korbankan duit simpanan perkahwinan untuk buat perempuan tu kembali normal.. Abang tengok kartun tu, tersentuh rasa..

Me : Boleh juga tersentuh hati abang tu..

A : Benda-benda macam tu, bolehlaa. Macam ada rasa terjadi pada abang.. Hehehe.

Me : Yaka ada :)

A : :)

Lepas tu dia cakap, apa yang GF lelaki tu luahkan dalam video kartun tu sama macam apa yang saya pernah cakap dekat dia, so that's why he was so touched. He seems to know and intuitively understand something that I don't wanna tell him. Terkedu juga sikit. I think he knows I am KINDA with somebody else right now. Yes he knew me that much, he must have sensed me (- -"). Actually, me and that somebody else tu still friends. Since recently, I found myself not really agree about the idea of 'couple before marriage'.

He found me around a year (or less, or more) after his mother's death. I have never known him, sampailah satu waktu saya dalam perjalanan ke library campus around two years ago, saya terserempak dengan dia dengan kawan dia (Azri, which happen to be my friend too, kenal sebab sama-sama Baksis dekat Tawau months before that) pula dari arah berlawanan. Saya balas senyuman Azri dan saya tak sedar ada mata yang sedang memandang. And that's how it all started.

He texted me, after ambil phone number saya dari Azri. Sopan perkenalkan nama, asal, kos, kolej, umur.. HAHA. Sejak awal lagi saya dah rasa kejujuran dia, sebab tu saya terima salam perkenalan dari dia dengan hati yang terbuka. The same day juga, dia cakap nak jadi lebih dari kawan. Aku pun cakap dalam hati, heh, lelaki sama je. Terus tak layan dah HAHA. But he keeps on texting me day by day, tak pernah ulang balik yang dia cakap nak jadi more than just friend so it relieves me. Lepas tu layanlah balik tapi kadang-kadang malas nak layan mesej dia. Taklah selalu sangat dia mesej sebenarnya, tapi time tu I will reply bila rasa nak reply. Dia mesej tapi tak pernah sentap kalau saya tak reply, so tak ada tekanan. And everything just flows until one day I dalam masalah dan dia datang selamatkan HAHA bermasalah betul perempuan ni. I don't know why I always find myself in trouble anyway. Maybe I've born with it. Lepas masalah yang tadi, datang masalah lain, pun dia tolong juga OHMAIGOD that's how I slowly fall for him (- -")

One thing I hate kan, every year I manage to maintain my weight okeyy. But bila start kapel dengan dia yang sangat-sangat gemarkan makanan, saya pun ikut terpengaruh haha. Tambah lagi everytime keluar, mesti pergi lepak KFC. His favourite, my favourite juga. But his addiction towards KFC cukup amazing. Sampai saya pun terikut-ikut. My dance training pun dah tak mampu nak cover lebihan kalori yang saya makan (- -")

Anyway.

Despite all the things, dia bagitahu, how happy he was with me. Hm. Tak tahulah. Well we do have our happy moments. Until, sampai satu tahap kami banyak sangat bergaduh sampai masing-masing hati bengkak. Two years with him, saya dah cukup tahu hati budi dia. Orang kata, bila bergaduh tu lah baru tunjuk perangai dan belang masing-masing macamana kan? Baru kita akan betul-betul kenal hati budi dia macamana. He knows my past. He's there when I cried, he's always there. Dia ada setiap kali saya memerlukan, buat saya jadi spoiled GF. Dia manjakan sangat, like a brother dan sister yang manja namampos *sigh* But bila sampai waktu dia sedar yang bukan semua perkara dia perlu buat untuk saya, dan dia sedar saya dah besar untuk bertanggungjawab tentang hal hidup sendiri, dia mula lepaskan saya. I mean, he wasn't there anymore. At times, I was so angry..

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That was not easy, long journey until we decided to end our relationship. But now I understand, he was doing the right thing.

It's more than a relation we have had for these past two years. It's like, siblings. Macam abang sendiri. You know, abang sendiri. You can laugh as loud as you want in front of him. Cry as much as you wish. Get angry. You can be anything, do anything - even burping after sama-sama melantak makanan HAHA padahal his friends anggap dia lelaki paling skema dalam batch diorang LOL. Since I have no abang or kakak, his existence in my life macam guardian saja. I owe him almost everything.

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He once said, I am the second woman in his life that he truly love.. After his late mum (I remember he always refuses to say 'arwah mama'). Too good to be true, but I know he mean it. He's not really a sweet talker. That's why bila dia cakap something yang sweet, I really take it to my heart cuz I know he mean it. That's why if he ask something, explain something, tegur atau oh well get angry with me, (- -"), I know that means he really cares. Even when he call me Sayang, I feel so loved, I feel so true. And that's why juga, saya selalu rasa frustrated back then.. Cuz of the fact that he's not a sweet talker. Ironinya, my mum likes him that way.

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I remember waktu sekitar akhir tahun lepas, something happen and he cried hard. Cried for me. Tamparan yang agak hebat untuk dia mungkin, dan juga beri tamparan buat saya sebab I'd never saw him that way. Not going to talk about it. Plus dah cakap tentang tu semua waktu di Sufilara.Com. He called my mum, asking for help to have a talk with me. Then my mum dengan nada menahan sebak cakap dekat saya betapa jujur dan ikhlasnya lelaki itu. Bayangkan. My mum called me by phone (waktu tu dekat campus), me, her own daughter, on behalf of him, a stranger from no where (my mum sendiri tak pernah jumpa dia), to accept him back? Boleh bayang tak? Heh.

Kerana fikirkan semua yang mama cakap, dan fikirkan kesungguhan dia, saya terima dia balik. Walaupun waktu tu hati dah tawar sangat-sangat. Since then, things never be the same. Sejak awal tahun ni hubungan kami sangat-sangat teruk. Waktu tu dia dah finished his study, maka makin sukar nak betulkan keadaan. Ditambah lagi dengan sikap dia yang sangat komited dengan tanggungjawab. You think he will come over just untuk entertain his GF yang marah tak tentu pasal? IN MY DREAM.

Berbulan-bulan bergaduh dan since Mei lepas, waktu genap dua tahun hubungan kami, kami sama-sama lepaskan hubungan kami. *sigh*

Kami masih mesej-mesej lagi sampai sekarang, tapi dah tak ada bergaduh-gaduh. You know what, even after Mei tu pun kami masih bergaduh-gaduh lagi dalam phone padahal dah clash dah waktu tu (- -") Buruk betullah perangai. Then sejak Julai dah reda sikit then Ogos (yes bulan lepas) dah tak ada gaduh-gaduh. Mungkin sebab dah jarang sangat contact. Seminggu dua tiga kali. Tiga kali tu pun macam dah cukup bagus. Lagipun masing-masing dah terlalu letih nak bergaduh bagai. Cukuplah berbulan-bulan dingin saja.

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Begitulah. Quite a good ending kan?

Rule number two dalam kamus cinta saya : Love is about giving and taking EQUALLY. If you cannot give equal, or you don't take equal, sorry to say, you don't have to wait for a marriage with him/her lah unless you both are willing to fight for your love. BOTH. Cuz sometimes, LOVE just ain't enough, babe. Saya dah tulis line ni banyak kali.

Dari pengalaman, saya dah mula percaya, idea untuk hanya bercinta selepas perkahwinan adalah sebaik-baik cara, terutama bagi kita, para muslim. Bercinta sebelum perkahwinan, kalau tak kena cara, you can feel a kind of poison setting in you..

Anyway, siapa yang ada link video macam yang digambarkan dekat atas tu? I want to watch it.