As you can see,

yes I've changed my blog layout after about 4 years using the same template. Previous one stayed the longest, usually I'll change my blog template every 1-2 years. Still haven't giving up on blogging JUST YET. Blogging is always a part of me. Writing was always my passion. My earliest passion.

Then comes Dancing.

Comes Traveling.

Now, comes Skincare-ing.

People come and go. But all my passions stays with me. I still love writing but now I write more on Facebook and ig stories, and whatsapp status ON DAILY BASIS haha. I still so much in love with dancing but I can't do that very often now. I still love traveling. In fact, all those times I was in my blogging hiatus, I was busy exploring countries - be it with my friends, my sister, or alone. I tried mending my broken heart through traveling but.. well.. And now I'm married (again), my priorities changed. I still do travel once a year - this time with my husband, but since we have a lot of target to achieve, travel abroad on annual basis is not that bad after all. Okeylah tu dapat travel setahun sekali. Sepanjang tahun selain tu, susah nak berjalan kalau bukan hal kerja.

Since end of November, I actually thought about a lot of things. December is my birthday month, and it means, 2019 is just around the corner. I should make a lot of self reflection, shouldn't I? Suddenly I got a bit occupied with work and real life that I barely have time to update my social medias. I masuk hutan ikut husband dan family for 2 days and 1 night, and APARENTLY now I realize, I didn't need all those social medias. I really didn't have to update mself to 5000 people who actually don't care at all!

That's when I thought, I could just go back to writing blog. Where no one is ever going to judge BEFORE I finish whatever I wanted to say. Where no one will judge BEFORE they finish reading. Where everyone here will always listen/read to what I have to say. Where, no one is actually gonna read anyway. HAHA. And blablerghthfgphkr every other reason I tengah malas explain sebenarnya ni but I guess you got what I mean heheheh.

Sorry macam biasa my posts tak pernah nak ada point sangat HAHAHA!

I actually nak start puasa esok. It's 12AM and I rasa dah mengantuk ni.

See you again. :)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum sahabat lama.

It's July 2018. So now I'm back to write something.

2006-2018. 12 years.

It's amazing that I still had not forget about you just yet. Saya sedar semakin lama semakin jarang saya berkunjung ke tempat ini. This blog. I miss the good old days, but now that I think about it, I think I am always that girl with a sad soul holding sad stories. What is 'good' to be missed then? My life since 2005 has never been easy. I struggle to survive through ups and down. All those while I tried my hardest to appear normal but deep down I always wonder why did I always go against what other people ask me to do.

Has my story has always been written this way?

A punishment?

I must have sin a lot.

My entire 20th was a nightmare that haunts.

WHY?

Because it all started few months before I reach 20, and ended also few months after I reach 30. It took 10 years to end the suffering, I wonder how many years more do I have to wait to fully recover this broken pieces?

I still don't have strength yet. But knowing myself, I think this is the only way for me to recover. I have to come clean, keep nothing hidden, being true to myself. I need to blog again. I think I need it. Maybe I should. What do you think.

*deep sigh*

Hello Assalamualaikum old friends, long time no see! Semua orang apa khabar? Before that, gambar atas ni I guess our 4th sister's trip me and Dana pada Nov 2016. Gambar ni gambar testing-testing. Malas cari proper pic sebab last balik dari Thailand hari tu gambar-gambar ini semua terperam macam jeruk. Sampai ke hari ni tidak terjenguk-jenguk apatah lagi nak edit, pilih gambar, upload bagai. Sangat-sangat malas. Penyakit malas dah bertahun-tahun menyerang ni, entah bila sembuh. Sangat-sangat malas update blog dah sekarang but every once in a while I show up jugaklah. Hiks!

Saw (read: read) my previous posts.. I was so misery back then. Sekarang pun agaklah, but I am happier now compared to before. I am now free from all those bullshits, I am glad I finally have guts to fight for myself.

22 Februari 2017. Tarikh pengakhiran segalanya. Tapi saya akan cari masa lain untuk cerita apa sebenarnya yang telah berlaku. Macam yang saya pernah cakap, selalu cakap, sebelum ni. Satu hari nanti saya akan cerita. Satu hari nanti. And finally, masa tu hampir tiba. I need to cerita here, for myself. Untuk look back nanti what I've been through. 

I actually stop by just to say hi. Rindu blog. But I really need to go. I'll come back again soon. :)

Take care everyone!

My blog header, my profile pictures.. Need to change. Profile picture sebelah ni dari, 2 years ago I think. Haha. Lamanya nda tukar langsung. I still remember I have a blog. Selalu nak update tapi nantilah nantilah sampai berbulan-bulan hampir makan tahun agaknya jika hari ni tidak spontan terbukak blog. Haha. Ni pun sekejap saja, sebab sekejap lagi kena bersiap got dinner date with the family tonight. At our usual place :)

I am now busy with KTrips and Tari Kirana. Latihan tiap malam, berhuha tiap malam. Layan whatsapp tiap hari - 24/7 everyday. Somehow the emptiness terisi juga sedikit. Balik pada blog yang satu ini, bagai kembali pada seorang sahabat lama. Terasa nak cerita semua sepanjang beberapa bulan ini. Terasa mahu menangis. Ketawa. Menjerit. Dan bercerita tentang segala suka dan duka. Yang lucu, yang meruntun hati. Masam dan manis. Wahai sahabat lama, adakah kau sedang mendengar?

I think I am doing pretty good now. My daily life so occupied. No more termenung (okey maybe sometimes), no more weeping for no reason. Ada pun, kerana perasaan lega. Bercampur sedikit dengan kesedihan, tapi lega itu yang paling banyak. My anxiety sudah jarang datang. But trauma is still there. Trauma payah sikit hilang, but as one of my friend cakap,..

"..this too shall pass."

I remember those day. Those days has passed. And yes. This too, the saki baki sedu sedan and the trauma, shall pass. One day, I'll look back taking one last look, move on and never look back ever again.

I am just a normal human being. Sometimes I'll find somebody to blame. I will try to blame. Myself atau orang lain. So, entah. I am no malaikat, but I'll eventually learn to forgive I guess.

Bye for now.

Nana.

Ya Allah Nana. Stop telling yourself you're the only one who should be responsible for all these mess. Stop telling yourself it was all your fault.

Kau dah okey dah dulu sebenarnya Nana. You got through it all long ago. You did it! But it's just recently it all coming back to you now. Suddenly something came to you and made you remember the scars. Parut yang telah terluka kembali.

Ingat Allah, Nana. He loves you that is why HE sent you dugaan like this. I know when you are sad you don't really have anywhere to go. You shutdown yourself, you cry on your bed, cuddling your Dom yang understanding saja sebab when you start hugging him sambil cry dia duduk diam tak pernah nak lepaskan dari pelukan. Crying even when you're eating. Reading Quran to sooth yourself. When in doubt you turn random page of Quran to find answers. Yet you still cry. You still have burden inside you.

That is sick. You know that?

And next time you are too sad, instead of crying over things you cannot change, please turn again to anything you like as your last try. Your passion. Your business. Music. Singing. Dance. Travel. You're doing it now, but do it more. Do it until you forget! It's about you now. No one else. So think about yourself more than anyone because you're all you have! Please.

Sebab, sampai bila? Tell me. You have you secret no one knows. You hold your burden from many years ago until now. But it's your choice that it still can hurt you like this.

Do more. Try more. Get up!

Please.

:(

Bali, 20 April 2016.

Reading random old posts from 2009 from my blog www.sophiesm.com, wow I lost too many people in my life. I lost many things. I forgot everything about me. Who I am, what I like. What makes me truly happy, what I loath most. How I see life. How I see myself. I feel like these 3 years back I had my mind completely shutdown. Blanked.

No one will ever imagine what I've gone through. Banyak orang share dan viral tragedi yang terjadi pada orang lain dekat Facebook. This and that, here and there. They will never expect that had happen to me too.

Guess why would I tell you my mind blanked over these few years? Sometimes I think, was it me? Was it actually, really because of me?

Damaged.

I am damaged.

Damn damaged.

Well I don't have much choice. Broken I am. Messy I am. Lost I am. I feel a stranger in my own body? Yes, but. What the hell. I gotta love the stranger in me. Because if I don't, who will?