Sometimes I will have some weird nights where everything (but not literally everything) come back as a flashback. Dan bila benda-benda macam ni jadi, tidak sedar cari blog. Mula menaip balik. Hence, this entry.




Not that I care much (maybe for some of it), but it brought me to where I am now and what I have now. I can't help but to look back for the stupid craps many years ago behind the real 'beauty' of my current life. At one second I am here, the other second my mind wandered randomly - back to the memories from 10 years ago to 2 days ago. Back and forth and sometimes coming up from in between. Mostly about things I shouldn't remember. Those things I wish to erase for the rest of my life. But it can never be. Because it's part of the history. Ignore sajalah. Nak padam macamana. Lupa pun tetap ada cache and cookies with no 'clear' button. Isk T____T

Totally inappropriate but hey I can choose what I want to write. :)

I have mentally highlighted several things that have changed and realize what I know now. I am so grateful for that to happen. Kadang-kadang ada yang pernah ada dalam life kita walaupun kita rasa kita perlu tapi hakikatnya tidak. Kadang-kadang ada perkara yang buruk dalam life kita tapi kerana perkara buruk itulah yang membawa pada bahagia kita hari ini. Kadang-kadang ada perkara yang pada mulanya kita rasa bukan yang terbaik tapi lama-kelamaan kita sedar sebenarnya takdir yang tertulis itulah sebenarnya yang terbaik untuk kita. Experiencing all these for the past years - all at once - trust me, they are not pretty. It's full of thorns - the stress come from every corner I barely can breath out of it. I might come up wiser, but it's just because some of my perspectives have changed. I'm still the same girl with childish sides ; yet with some different views about life. There's a few things I learnt and if I must tell you one of it, it might be 'learning to let go things that is not meant to be' thing. It might seem simple, but letting go won't be that easy until you experience it yourself. Learn to let go and look what is right in front of you kind of thing. You wouldn't want to miss them because at the end of the day, they say you will realize that your past is just a story kind of thing. Easy to say, well I have those years I wouldn't want to believe them TOO. Because it hurts. Because living in what you want to believe is easier but once you realize things aren't the way you want, you're the one who's hurting the most. I've been there. I - once living in denial. I know I hurt myself more and more as I freely let it. It merged to an extent that the scar is no longer a scar. Tapi jadi luka balik. Luka yang makin lama makin dalam dan besar and to this very point, the wounds feel totally numb. It's there but I do not feel anything different compared to my normal self. Hati dan luka jadi sebati. Jadi satu. For godsake I live with them for a damn 9 years. I might as well die with it.

Loving someone like me could be challenging. I'm as hopeless as a dying soul. My head is made of stone. My heart is frozen cold. People might have mental breakdown several times gathering all the patience they could get just to love me just the way I am. You might have a huge mental breakdown reading my blogposts as well, biyane, I prefer no one reading my crappy thinking btw. Told you I am ughhhhhh XD

Hang on there. This ain't easy, dealing with a broken heart you didn't break is not easy. Tettttt.. Roger.