Another day I have to endure. As if semua yang saya lalui selama ini belum cukup menguji kesabaran. I remember very clearly when it all started. I just got back from a long tired day. I rushed since early morning to send things my mother asked me to buy, hantar kerana sudah kelewatan 2 hari. Balas customers yang dah balik-balik whatsapp dan email dan siapkan receipt and documents (been busy for 4 days so tiada masa untuk proper reply). Dengan line internet tidak bagus, and I need to reply them as soon as possible so I took some time at home to settle things. And then rush ke pejabat pos hantar barang customer. Beli barang dapur, beli untuk dinner malam itu. All day I haven't eaten, all day I have been wanting to reach home faster. 

And I did reach home. Finally.

Fast forward a little bit, I remember everyone came, panicking and tensed up with low and high volume mixing up, I couldn't think, I do not say any single word except crying all my heart out. Sometimes I feel like laughing ; out of anger. For I know the one and only reason of why all this happened. I feel betrayed. What will happen if I tell them the truth? What will happen if all the proof I've been collecting since long ago spreads in front of them? Everybody might see my stubbornness, but nobody notice what actually scares me. Nobody knows me.

And this leads to a little conversation in whatsapp dengan jiran-jiran. Totally out of topic, but there is always something between the line..

"Saya nak cakap something tapi takut ganggu.." Actually means, help me.

"Cakap la Fina.."

"Nape Fina?"

I typed something - delete -. Typed something else - delete -. Paused. Think about it all over again. Because pity is always the last thing I need. I do not need it anymore. I am strong and and and.. And typed :

"Korang apa khabar. Tu saja. Hehe."

What to do. Feels so hard for me to start. I can't start, else I'll be crying like a little girl. Perhaps exhaustion over those never ending everything.

This post originally drafted with so many secrets and swear but eventually I deleted most of them. Only few paragraphs left. Just take this as a temporary hallucination over nothing. HEH. This is supposed to be published few days before, but you know, what the hell..